Jacuzzi Ettiquette: Things You Just Should Not Do

Its summer, which means we are all heading out to vacation houses–lands of the perpetual Jacuzzi. However keeping within proper guidelines of human behavior even when completely faced is important, so I have compiled a list of things you should not do while getting your stew on.

1. Fuck. I know it sounds romantic and all. But I don’t care if you are a woman or a man. If you get dirty jacuzzi water in your orifices you will get a burning yeast infection so ferocious you will never be able to grow pubes again, and on the off chance that you do have children they will look like an uncooked 25 lb Hillshire Farms Thanksgiving turkey.

2. Smoke Weed. Because it will fall into the jacuzzi. Not only a waste of money–but a surefire way to piss of whoever paid for it.

3. Eat. Because it will fall into the jacuzzi. Not only a waste of money–but a surefire way to piss of those African Aids Babies overseas that actually deserve to eat.

4. Drink out of glass containers. One false move and that glass ends up being shot around in the water by turbo jets intent on slicing your naughty bits–destroying you until you look like Rose McGowan after her “corrective surgery.”

5. Your Taxes. Jacuzzis were created for our enjoyment and relaxation–doing your taxes whilst betwixt roaring turbines of 100 degree water is a surefire way to stress you out so bad your glass eye pops a blood vessel, simultaneously straining your sphincter so hard you give birth to a stress-indeuced lincoln log.

Which is also that last thing that you should ever do in a jacuzzi. Take a shit.

You are welcome.