Is Virginity Really Such A Big Deal?
Yes, yes it is. In fact, you may be surprised to learn this but even someone who gets around as much as I do waited to give it away. I wanted to make sure the first time that I did anything sexual it was with someone I trusted, and the first time I did more–well I wanted to be in love. I held true to these convictions, the reason being that if I could just find out what love was first, then I could sleep around as much as possible after I had sampled both worlds. Just in case you are unclear though, here are some situations in which you should put a vice grip on your vagina faster than you can say “NO means NO”.
The guy’s name is Buford, you are in the driveway of your trailer park (I apologize–mobile home community) and he wants to do it in his truck-bed. I know you think you love him but listen up, you little bitch- you are going to get pregnant because that condom he has is actually a candy wrapper. You are going to get stuck in this trailer park and end up selling slushies to truck drivers at 4 AM at the 7-11. I am not saying you have to go to college and become a doctor, but I am saying that if you sleep with Buford you will end up stuck in that little park forever with mulleted babies popping out of you like kettlecorn.
You are at a frat party your freshmen year, he is an older guy who keeps calling you Melinda even though your name is Faye, and you have been drinking a fizzling cocktail all night that tastes like saltwater. Faye, you have about 15 minutes to get yourself out of this situation before you wake up ass-up in his frathouse and notice your panties have been hotglued onto the wall of conquests. So find the ugliest girl at the party, befriend her by telling her she’s pretty and ask her to get you out of there ASAP before you end up another notch on someone’s beer bong.
You are only 11, he is the first boy you kissed, and you figure that you might as well since all the other girls in 6th grade are doing it. First of all, not all the other girls are doing it. They may dye their hair weird colors and pencil in their eyebrows, and even wear chicken cutlets in their training bras but I promise you that half those girls have a father who would whoop their asses if they were really getting down and dirty. A rule of thumb is that if you haven’t gotten used to the fact that blood comes out of you once a month, you probably aren’t ready for a baby to pop out of there. So the next time little Bobby, who has a thin line of pubes where a mustache will unfortunately someday be pressures you, remind him that your father has a shotgun cabinet with his name on it and suggest a rowdy game of Jenga instead.
Losing your virginity is a decision that almost everyone except ugly people have to make in their lives. So choose wisely. You really will remember it for as long as you live, and trust me- the memory is impossible to drink away.