I Support Stem Cell Research So One Day I can have Sex with Cartoon Characters
Obviously I am pretty into cartoons today–its one of the things I do to cure a hang over. The other things are masturbate, cry, take a vicodin, drink more, or take a bath. Today I have only done two of those things.
So I decided to make a short list of the cartoon characters I would allow to explore my lincoln tunnel, or vice versa. They are in no particular order.
Captain Hero: Drawn Together is one of my favorite cartoons and Captain Hero is the hottest character. I love his baby tyrannosaur snooki arms, and the fact that he has sex with both dead female prostitutes and men. It’s like we are twinsies.
Sterling Archer: Archer is my other favorite cartoon. Every time Sterling Archer speaks my LaPerla Manties disintegrate into ashes from the inferno that my blazing crotch becomes. And who doesn’t love a man who tricks people into unprotected sex by using a candy bar wrapper instead of a condom?
Holly Would: Cool World. This is the first cartoon I remember jerking to–although it was half movie/half cartoon and I cant tell whether it was Brad Pitt or Holly Would that actually got my toyota corolla going. More than likely it was a little bit of both since the 90′s were a confusing time for me. I did my date’s hair for prom. That is all Im saying.
Aladdin: Aladdin.Obviously. Sometimes, when I walk around Union Square I check out the guys that run the shawarma and falafel carts for my modern day real-life Aladdin. If I ever do find him together we will redefine the term Street Meat. And hopefully I will get free falafels for life to go with the itching burning rash I will get from sleeping with someone that is one step up from a homeless person.
Guile: Street Fighter. Have you ever had a fantasy that a military guy would slap you around a little, maybe choke you and throw you down a flight of stairs? Or maybe shoot a fireball out of his hands at you and perhaps scissor kick you in the cooter? Any middle eastern refugee of war will tell you that it is no picnic in real life. But in Fantasy world I’m kind of into it. And Guile would be just the man for the job. You can even rest your cocktail on his head while he blows you.
Jessica Rabbit: What’s Eating Gilbert Grape. This is another obvious one. I almost didn’t list her because she seems like such a rabid nasty cunty twat that I wouldn’t be able to stand more than 5 minutes of her. However, I am gayer than Christmas and I would still bang her. Then, while she was after-douching I would debo that red sequined dress, throw it over my sportsbra and high tail it out of town.
He-Man: Masters of the Universe. Here is the thing–I am pretty sure that He-man and my mom were in cahoots. Together, by exposing me to bronzed buff man-flesh and blunt cut bobs at an early age they cemented the fact that I would be a cock-monger for all of eternity. So thanks a lot He-Man! By the way, Sally Field called–she wants her hair back.