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I Am Proud To Be An Ignorant American

February 21, 2012

I am proud to be an ignorant American. I think this is probably what makes me so ignorant, and also what makes me so American. In case you are living under a rock, or not actually reading what I write ( I wouldn’t blame you either way ) I am dating a British guy right now. Hanging out with a foreigner from a third world country (Britain, or England, or whatever) has really opened my eyes up to the differences between our cultures. Here are a few fallacies that we American’s believe.

The United States is the only America that matters. Canada and South America may share the name, but they don’t share the ignorance. They speak other languages and do strange things like hang out in jungles, deal massive amounts of cocaine, eat moose, and ruin pop music.

The United States is the largest country in the world. Most of the people that believe this have never actually left the country. I am one of them (Canada and Puerto Rico don’t count since we technically own them. I am pretty sure we got Puerto Rico for a blowjob from a tranny and a few hundred bucks). It doesn’t help that maps always make us look the biggest. Don’t they have any map-makers in Madagascar?

America is truly free. If we are so free, how come I can’t go have a 48 hour cocaine-fueled shotgun marriage in Vegas? How come I can’t drink and drive? Why do I have to wear pants?

American’s have the best quality of life in the entire universe. This is a little tricky, since people that live on desert islands have probably never seen a cell phone or computer in their life. But they probably spend a lot of time with their families, and actually speak to each other across the dining table (or boulder) instead of texting. When they fall in love, they probably do so for life. They probably never die of lung cancer or get hit by yellow cabs. Quality of life is subjective, I say, as I type this into the computer that I literally take into the bathtub with me.

America is the ruler of the world. Haha, tell that to the Chinese when they come repossess our entire country. can you imagine, China rolling up with their towtruck-rickshaw, hitching it to Florida and just relocating our asses into some underground parking garage in Macau?

Am I saying that I am an ignorant American? Absolutely. Am I saying that I always will be? Probably not.

But I am assuming that by the time Americans actually become enlightened zombies will finally attack and the world will end.

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