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How To Tell Whether Or Not You Are A Bear

May 11, 2012

If you’re like me, you may wonder from time to time: “Wait, I just sprouted 3 new chest hairs. Am I a bear?”

Lucky for you, I put together this handy guide. To find out if you are, in fact a bear just answer these simple questions:

Have environmental groups approached you about planning a benefit to save your glorious chest hair from deforestation?

Have you ever found an entire buffalo wing hidden in your beard? How about an entire buffalo?

Have you ever uttered the phrase “My leather studded popper-soaked jock strap is chafing against my levis”?

Can you lift 110 lb sacks of gravel above your head, but still squeal with glee when The Wizard of Oz comes on PBS?

If you see a girl in the upstairs dark room at your favorite bar, is your first inclination to maul her?

After Thanksgiving dinner, does your family hang the leftovers in a tree so you can’t get to them?

If PETA saw all the black leather in your closet, would they just give up and shut down their flour bombing factory?

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