How To Stop Being A Dick, Win Friends, And Influence People

I think self-knowledge is a super important thing. In the span of your lifetime, the person you will be spending the most time with is you, so you really have no excuse for not getting to know yourself. I won’t lie–once you get inside your own head  you will have to face some of the ugly shit inside. Maybe you used to murder guinea pigs when you were a kid. Maybe as a teenager, you gave yourself an abortion by watching too many episodes of Thats So Raven. Maybe you are insecure, or bitchy, or envious, or all of the above. Whatever it is, you will never be able to get over it/fix it if you don’t first face it.

I am insensitive. That’s my thing. I have been told this in every relationship I have ever been in, including those that only lasted 30 minutes on the side of a freeway below the Mason Dixon line. Considerate things like opening doors, remembering birthdays, or pissing on someone when they are on fire just don’t occur to me naturally. I finally had to ask my friends what they considered my biggest flaw in order to let it sink in. Then, I was able to modify my behavior a little for the sake of my relationships. The moral of the story is, I didn’t even realize I was being a dick. Until I discovered that, there was nothing I could really do about it.

So I proclaim today national Discover Why You’re A Dick Day. Ask your friends what your biggest flaw is. If they are too scared to tell you, then its probably that you are super-scary and confrontational, or you don’t take criticism very well (as evidenced by your eating disorder/razorblade marks/failure at life). If you have no friends to ask, then your personality is probably your biggest flaw, so you should get a new one. You can try the Kmart below Union Square if you don’t mind the smell of corporate failure and NYU brats.

But if you are like me, and have friends that generally want the best for you, then they will happily enlighten you to the reason you are such a bitch.

Because that’s what friends are really for.

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