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Prevention Techniques: Your Child’s Journey To Becoming A Serial Killer

September 10, 2011

Here is the thing: I don’t think it is possible for me to have children. I have tried on many occasions, and I just feel like my ovaries shriveled up long ago and resemble Christopher Walken’s jowly ballsack. Not being a parent leaves me uniquely qualified to talk about children from an outside perspective though–and I feel like mothers need to hear some of this shit.

1. Some kids are loud and want a lot of attention. They may cry a lot and demand what they want, when they want it.  Other kids are quiet and subdued and happy playing with their own poo in solitude. A kid is a fucking kid, is a fucking kid. Stop over-analyzing what this means about your kids personality and what they may or may not grow up to be and just love them for what they are. I was always the quiet one in the family. I didn’t talk until I was 3 years old. Now it is basically impossible to get me to shut my mouth (though a few guys have found some effective ways over the years).

2. Yell at your kid, or don’t. Spank them, or don’t. But stop giving people those fucking stink face looks on the street just because your baby happens to be sleeping for 5 seconds and someone else’s is screaming. Babies are yelling, screaming poop machines–and since you know what it is like to be a parent you are the last person who should be judging someone else regarding their parenting abilities. If you were lucky enough to have a child that sleeps through the night and never cries CONGRATU-FUCKING-LATIONS your kid is probably going to grow up to be a retard or a serial killer. While you think they are sleeping through the night they are probably actually plotting your death–if Pet Sematary and Family guy are any reflection of reality (which they unequivocally are).

3. Don’t spoil the fucking bastards. Do you know how many people there are out there who are incapable of maintaining relationships and/or jobs because they had everything handed to them? Think of every fucking jerk-off you know and then ask yourself if you want your kid to turn out that way. Stop handing them things that they can get for themselves. Let them decide who they are going to be. Kids are an extension of you–not a reflection. They only thing you should hand to them freely and without reproach is limitless love. As for the Volkswagen Jetta they want for their sweet 16th–Let them slave away behind a popcorn machine at a movie theater for a few summers. You will end up with a smarter, more responsible teen that knows how to give an HJ in a dark theater.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. September 10, 2011 6:40 PM

    Damn right! As someone with no kids either, parents really piss me off. When I see a mother begging her 6 year old to please stop banging his fist on the window, and she doesn’t just grab the kid and make him stop, or a child who is more than old enough to walk, overflowing out of a stroller, or a parent picking up a toy the child keeps throwing on the ground, over and over again, I just want to smack the parents upside the head.

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