How To Get Laid If You Are Unfortunate Looking And Overweight

You really only have three choices:

1. Date Rape. All you have to do is get a girl to let you into her friend zone (which is exactly where you will be if you befriend her). You might have to listen to her bitch and whine about her jock boyfriend, and she will probably inevitably think you are gay and try to set you up with her mom’s 7 foot tall flaming aids-skinny Colombian hairdresser, but eventually your chance will come. You will both be drunk, she will be emotional, and bam. Perfect storm for a Thursday night roofie party! You may always know that technically you are a rapist, but she most likely already feels sorry for you and won’t press charges.

2. Make lots of money. This method is less effective and takes longer. The results are that you will probably end up with a super hot wife that you can bang ever night, but secretly you will always know that she is only doing it for your money. And she is fantasizing about Channing Tatum. And he, is only about 12 crazy coke-fueled Saturday nights from being as puffy as you are.

3. Go to the gym. This is by far the hardest, but the rest of us have had to do it, and we get laid all the time. You want to have sex with hot people? Become one yourself. It is simultaneously as simple and as difficult as that.