How To Do A Proper Cher Impersonation

It was always little Dwayne Johnson The Rock’s dream to dress up as Cher, ever since he saw her first farewell tour in 1943. Wait- maybe that was Celine Dion (Sometimes I get my horse breeds mixed up). No, I am pretty sure it was Cher. Regardless, unlike Chad Michaels, he didn’t do a good job as he looks like a case of Porterhouse steaks stuffed into a garbage bag. Don’t make the same mistakes that he did. If you are going to dress up as Cher, please don’t forget the following things:

Stroke face: Stroke face is best achieved by eating unhealthily for up to 40 years straight, or injecting botox into one half of your face. It is vital that half your face remains numb so that when you do a singing impersonation, half the room is in awe, and the other half doesn’t realize anything happened. Cher developed this technique to build her gay following because she started performing during the Holocaust, where Gays and Straights had to sit on separate sides of the room.

Starvation Diet: It doesn’t matter how old Cher gets, she will never have a cooter pooch. If you want to look like her, cut all nutrients from your diet. When you get to the point where you look like an upside-down mop that was dipped in tar, eat less.

Lesbian Daughter: If you really want to pull of being Cher, you will need a lesbian and/or transgender daughter. My suggestion is to start with a lesbian and then encourage her to become an FTM tranny. This is a lot easier than it looks since most lesbians were ousted from their villages for wearing polos with board shorts, and perpetrating the cataclysmic eyebrow-ring trend that has infiltrate our culture since the 90′s. All you have to do is tell a lesbian she looks like Justin Bieber. They take this as a compliment for some reason, and allow you to adopt them.

If The Rock had followed these three simple rules he would have pulled off his impersonation with flying colors. Now, you can avoid the mistakes he made.

Bonus: Track down some paparazzi (try the front door of The Trump Soho), ride a motorcycle through them, and wave your middle finger in their faces and bitch them out for trying to help you stay relevant.

Double Bonus: Sing a song called “You haven’t seen the last of me” to an empty room. Bask in the irony.