How To Avoid A Prison Rape Scene

We talk a lot about prison rape here on Gloganvlog, but I want you to know that I take it very seriously. I think the idea of prison rape is VERY SERIOUSly hot. Prison rape however, is sort of like fisting, double penetration, and sex with a female asian whore–while it seems hot in the realm of fantasy, if it ever happened to me in reality I would probably cringe into a corner and live the rest of my life in a mental rape shower trying to scrub away imaginary dirt. So, my goal is to avoid prison rape even though I am sure all the horrible things I have done will eventually catch up to me. If I ever end up in the clink, here is how I am going to avoid becoming a midnight snack for some crazy kat that resembles Danny Trejo’s pock-marked ass cheeks:

Bring the cray. This is a tactic I learned from growing up as one of 4 siblings. When you get in a fight, you aim to kill. I don’t care if you have to throw your cafeteria tray on a grill in the kitchen and melt someone’s face off (until they look like Mickey Rourke) – if people think you are crazy enough, they won’t fuck with you. Be the kind of bitch that would hide a shiv up your stinker, and you shall remain rape-free.

Get a tattoo that says “Free genital warts with every penetration” above your rectum. I was going to say you should get an “AIDS hole” tattoo, but if you think about it, that will just convince the people who don’t have AIDS to steer clear.

Eat nothing but lentils and drink nothing but aloe juice: Your out-hole can’t be transformed into an in-hole if there is a constant river of diarreah flowing harder than Beyonce’s yaki in the throes of an industrial strength ceiling fan. If you can’t get ahold of Lentils because you are in a ghetto prison, just sip on some Visine. Should work the same way.

Learn how to ess a good dee. If your blowjob skills are good enough, you may be able to save your asshole from eternal damnation and incontinence. You may consider knocking out your two front teeth–it’ll make it easier to give 13 consecutive blowies, and also uglify you a bit so people leave you alone. When you get out of prison, you can appeal to a local news station to pay for some dental implants and an aggressive scrip for Valtrex.

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