Grindr, You Adorable Little Thing

So Grindr- In case you live under a rock, or in Middle America is a gay social application for smart phones used to search for friends/true love and then just give up and find a bang mate. Its basically taking a free dating service and making it as creepy as possible by showing how far away someone is from you down to the feet. 0 feet = a keeper.

My Grindr came from my obsessed friend Jo who said I absolutely needed it. After having it for a week I got bored enough to try it thinking maybe I would get lucky. If by luck you mean I get messages like, “Wanna get blown?” or “You’re really close by, want to fuck?” then I am the luckiest guy in NY. Normally I like to hook up the old fashion way: get something slipped in my drink at the bar and wake up naked.

But I thought when in NYC do as the NYC’ers.

Attempt #1- Late Night Hookup- So after getting drunk Monday afternoon I come home and pass out. I wake up at 3am horny as a rogue elephant getting ready to trample a small village in search of a mate. I find this attractive mixed white and Latino guy from out of town. His pics show a lean young masc (but gay enough to be a bottom) 23 year old. We play cat and mouse due to the fact we are both wasted, however we agree that we both wanted to get laid. We finally meet up 3 hours before his flight home takes off. Its 5 a.m. on Tuesday morning and I am asleep when the sounds of the Grindr charm go off. (If you have ever heard this sound it is really distinct. Word of advice: put your phone on silent in public). He comes up to my apt a little stockier and pale than I expected. He talks way to loudly for 5 a.m. with my roommates being asleep. I tell him to be quiet at least 5 times while he rants about California, circuit parties, Brent Corrigan, Dawson the 100 man cum dumpster and not letting me get a word in at all… so I decide he must be on meth. I finally just ask the ranting homosexual to leave and he says “Aww you don’t want me to suck it? I’ll sit on it if you want.” I tell him I don’t have sex from Grindr so he gives me Grindr advice about “hosting etiquette” not getting the idea that I just want him to get on his plane and leave.

A little peeved he says: “so what you just wanted to talk?”

I said no I just want you to leave. I was about muzzle him and kick him in the ribs like a rabid mutt.

Attempt #2- Lets Mess Around On Your Break- So being that I’m in the FiDi area a lot of people are at work and using Grindr (yes this is what companies pay accountants and stock brokers to do).

So after a failed mission the day before, I decide to go after the working class. I find one guy that is contemplating coming over on his break to mess around and wants to buy me lunch after, however he can’t pull through due to a conference call. He asks if I would rather do dinner at the seaport and my rumbling stomach says yes. So I guess this is a Grindr hookup attempt that leads to a date. At dinner he talks about how smart he is and keeps asking questions about me. I answer his questions and then take a bite out of that delicious hamburger (I’m a cheap date). It is basically a job interview.

He finally asks, “Sooo is there anything you want to know about me?”

Me, like a deer in headlights and nibbling the lettuce hanging from the side of my mouth asks where he is from… where he went to school… I’m more worried about how I’m going to finish this entire burger than what he is about to respond. He keeps asking about my ex-boyfriends and what their first and last names are so he can look them up on his Iphone. I tell him that isn’t going to happen. That is the last thing that is going to happen. Ever.

So to change the subject I tell him I want the pirate ship that is docked at the Seaport, and that I want to sail around Manhattan dressed as a pirate. (secretly I was imagining making him walk the plank, naked of course) He tells me I am weird. I don’t ask him up to my apartment afterwards. He texts me asking why.

The real reason is because dressing up as a pirate to rape and pillage the land is not weird.

Attempt #3- The Final Grindr Attempt Before I Delete It- After failed attempts and getting messages from people like ‘Do yo Thang’ from a guy that looks like the love child of Precious and Whoopi Goldberg, I am about to give up on this Grindr epidemic when I decide to put an age filter on. I find a whole new world of guys that didn’t show up before (there are too many gays in NYC). I also decide to actually have conversations instead of trying to hookup. I start chatting with this attractive all American looking guy, which basically starts off as:

“Hey I’m Jackson”

“Hey I’m Nick, my favorite dog growing up was named Jackson”

“Well good! Then your mom will love me”

Ok cheesy I know but the dorky sense of humor charms me into wanting to know more about this guy further. Many messages and a new Facebook friend later we decide to meet up for some yogurt and sit at Washington Square Park. Nothing is forced, no conversations of sex come up (unless you count me commenting on how bums use the fountain water to splash on their butt after they go #2) and the fruit yogurt is delicious. I would say this date is quite successful seeing as how it came from Grindr.

And now that its legal, if we one day get married I’m just going to tell my mom I met him at the yogurt shop.