Gloganvlogic: Reasons To Choose Natural Childbirth

That headline was a trick. There are no reasons to have natural childbirth nowadays. Why would you choose to tear yourself an assholegina? Why would you want to go through the pain of dropping the biggest deuce of your life when you could just sleep through it? Why would you want your husband/boyfriend/trick/lesbian life partner to see you screaming your head off without makeup?

You wouldn’t. This is the 21st century and surgery is our answer for everything from aging, to baby-birthing, to staving off death.

In all honesty though, if it weren’t for natural childbirth, me and my 3 siblings (whose personalities were probably harder to push out than their bodies) wouldn’t be here. So here are some reasons why you should have a baby the au natural way.

1. Because you’re a bad-ass. Think of the biggest, baddest guy you know. You know, that one guy covered in tattoos, that smashes beer bottles over his own head and can smoke,drink,spit, and curse simultaneously.

Sick one finger up his ass and see if he doesnt cry like a little baby. And you are pushing a whole human being out.

2. Because your mother did it au natural. She may be able to criticize your brittle, dry hair by nick-naming you Dusty bones, and poke fun at you for having a baby by yourself via a one-night-stand with a smelly french guy named Pierre Poosyhound (its french). She will not, however put you down for sleeping through your pregnancy. (although sleeping through your first marriage is another story).

3. Because there are an almost infinite number of experiences in the world, and childbirth is one of the most painful. You only live once. You have to cram as much joy, love, excitement, adventure, and ecstacy into your years as possible. If having a baby the natural way is one of the most extreme experiences you can have then prove your high school professor/boyfriend/statutory rapist (that ended up in jail with Mary Kay Letourneau and Martha Stewart) wrong and say no to drugs.

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