Gloganvlogic: Deconstructing Stupid Things Lesbians Write

First off, I want to say that my thinspiration (yes, I have a lisp and yes, I am super skinny) for this post is Julia, the most bull-dykin-ist, rootie-tootie-fresh-but-not-fruity lesbo I know.

I’m sure we have all wondered from time to time why lesbians are such emotional creatures. Its because they don’t have penises so they have to fill that void with tears.

Lets examine this phrase: “Tears are how our heart speaks when our lips cannot describe how much we’ve been hurt”.

First of all, hearts don’t speak. They pump blood. Their primary function is to keep us fucking alive. And just so you know, you will not actually die if your girlfriend sleeps with her ex-girlfriend’s girlfriend again. You will probably just outburst emotionally and key her Pontiac Sunfire.

Secondly, our lips don’t describe anything. They can’t talk, or emote, or explain quantum physics. We have lips for one reason, and one reason only. To suck dicks. End of story.

Thirdly, I have to assume that since this is obviously written by a lesbian she must have been talking about the downtown lips. Again, these lips cannot actually speak but they are a little better at communication than the lips on your face, if the message you are trying to communicate is “I look like a roast beef dust ruffle.”

Fourthly, it is actually the tongue that helps create sounds and describe things. You would think a lesbian of all people would understand the function of a tongue.

Lastly, I have a solution to the quandary of needing your tears to describe what your heart and lips can’t. Don’t get hurt. Don’t move in with someone after 35 minutes and a whale tail peep show. Don’t get in big, emotional arguments in public. Don’t invite both your ex-girlfriend and new girlfriend to your softball game no matter how close you think you are. And don’t wear board shorts with plaid shirts and Oakley’s. Nothing hurts more than that.

Oh shit, now I’m tearing up.