Gloganvlog Etiquette: How To Properly RECEIVE A Blowjob

Contrary to popular belief (mostly by women with gag reflexes) blowjobs aren’t exactly rocket science. Teehee. There are plenty of resources out there for how to give a blowjob, and honestly most of the time it comes down to simple common sense. Don’t bite, don’t actually suck or blow, and don’t vomit until the end.

Nobody ever talks about the blowee, though. A little known secret is that blowjobs don’t always work, and it isn’t always the fault of the blower. Also, not everyone can come from blowjobs. As someone who enjoys the fuck out of them when they are really good, but rarely finds anyone really good at it, I can sympathize. So here are some tips to receiving a blowjob:

Be in the right frame of mind: If your head isn’t in the right place, getting head is completely pointless. If you are thinking about taxes, the size of your dick, or your mom’s cancer scare, you won’t be able to enjoy the blowie. Clear your mind, and think about whatever makes you horny. If you have difficulty, or the person blowing you is toads fugs, think about whatever you fantasize about when you are jerking off. A blowjob is basically like a wet jerk off sesh.

Preemptive withholding: If you know you are going to get a b-jobber, refrain from jerking off a day or so before. Not only will this make you super horny and unable to think of anything else, but you get a really impressive cum shot out of it. Eat some celery the day before-hand to boost your load, and then watch-a-bitch-choke.

But what if you find yourself in the middle of a beej, and you haven’t had time to with-hold?

Let your hand be your guide: When someone is giving a blowjob (I may have done it once or twice) all they want is for it to work. As long as you ejaculate, the blower will be happy. If you do it right, they will also be full, and unable to look at mayonnaise the same way ever again. So if things aren’t really working downtown, use your hand to jerk off a little, and use your other hand to hold their head down there. You work the shaft while they work the head. It’s called team work, people. And if the blower is really good, they might pick up on your rhythm and you a handjob-blowie combo. Called a “handy-b”.

If all else fails, Fuck the face: This is a great go-to move if you are in the right frame of mind, and you preemptively with-held, but your handy tactics didn’t exactly pan out. Imagine you are fucking whatever it is you like to fuck (from teddy bears to apple pies, you won’t hear a peep of judgement from me) and just go to town. This is a risky move, since you may end up covered in vomit (happened to me, true story, when I was 17) but the benefits outweigh the risks.

It is my belief (and I am pretty sure its in the bible somewhere) that orifices were meant to be penetrated. If you don’t subscribe to religion as whole-heartedly as I do, just think about the fact that we are incredibly sexual creatures living in a society that values monogamy. If you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you better get prepared to do all sorts of ungodly things in the bedroom.

Receiving a blowjob is only the tip of the iceberg (pun intended).

Oh, and one last thing: Always give warning. Its just polite. I don’t care if you say “I’m gonna come”, “Im gonna” or “I’m”, it’s just proper etiquette to let someone know before you force feed them your children.

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