Free Katie Holmes From The Shackles Of Gay Husbandry

Do you know what the worst part of having a closeted gay husband is? Knowing that you don’t have a penis when your husband craves constant cock 24/7. Do you know what the best part of it is? You can blackmail the shit out of him when you get divorced. Now that Katie Holmes’ bearding contract is finally up she filed papers with a quickness. She probably prepared the papers on their wedding night and kept them on a jump drive shoved up her robot snizz in PDF format.

Now, all she has to do is threaten to write a tell-all memoir and (even though their pre-nup is as ironclad as Tom’s industrial strength chrome dildo) she will get whatever the fuck she wants. Yes, she gave up 7 years of her life, but she got a kid out of the deal and her vagina is probably in pristine condition after years of dis-use. She is re-entering the dating scene snatch first, ready to have sex with some straight-up heteros. Tom is walking down the road to John Travolta-Town and it is only a matter of time before he is outed for the glittery princess-midget that he is.

So congratulations, Katie. Well fuckin played.

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