Five Fun Ways To Kill A Hangover
Have you ever woken up with a migraine so intense that you considered killing yourself by listening to more than 5 minutes of NPR? Have you ever had one of those hang-overs where you wake up feeling awesome, and then six minutes later you are drenched in sweat, hunched over the toilet at an IHOP throwing up a concoction that tastes like gin, bar popcorn, and general misery? If so, take heed–I have some personally-tested hangover cures for you:
1. Drink more: I know this one may seem obvious, but if you are feeling that horrible, liquor can only help. In these dire shituations, you have a choice: Spend your day throwing up and laying in bed in a cold sweat, or have a few cocktails and get shit-faced. Either way you are wasting your day, but with the second option, you have the opportunity to have some fun, and maybe even get laid.
2. Cry: My greatest hangover moment was when I cried over the Dawson’s Creek series finale. I normally never, ever cry because I am a boy. For some reason when I have the hangies though, tears flow at the most ridiculous things. I have been known to hangover-cry at infomercials, crime tv documentaries and of course, that stupid Sarah Mclachlan animal abuse PSA. I think tears are vodka’s way of distilling itself, just one more time.
3. Sweat: The obvious thought is that when you sweat, you are releasing the toxins from your body. I am no doctor (although I played one in my youth with boys from the neighbs) but I believe it. Mostly because I have tasted my hangover sweat, and I got shit-faced all over again. My personal method of hangover-sweating is to take a nice long dip in my jacuzzi tub. If you don’t have a tub, you can always stage a faux rape-shower and sit on the floor while cleansing water pelts you from above.
4. Masturbate: I don’t know why this one works. My only thought is that maybe when your mind switches to sex mode, your pleasure centers release some kind of chemical that kills all the hangover agony. Sex works too. Sex works better!
5. Go the fuck to sleep: This is the only one I can guarantee will work. Sleeping your hangover off is basically like taking anesthesia at the dentist’s office. You may wake up later with undesirable side effects like the fact that you were anally penetrated or pissed the bed, but at least you slept through the pain.
[ via TheLuxurySpot ]