Five Ways You Can Tell That John Travolta Is Gay

1. Umm, she’s wearing a leather loincloth thong stitched together with the rape tears of Latino massage therapists everywhere. Also, that isn’t a tan, its total body rug-burn from being passed around like a crack-pipe at a 3 PM Charlie Sheen Anger Management after party.

2. Massage therapists are coming out of the woodwork like poppers in the Rambles, accusing him of sexual assault. Do you know who you victimize if you are looking for a sexy, good time on the down low? Massage therapists. Do you know why? They are financially desperate enough to put their hands all over a total toad for a 20 dollar tip, and chances are a hand job is only one meager c-note away. A hand-job from a massage therapist is easier to come by than a club appearance by Lindsay Blohan, and its pretty obvious that the only reason this scandal is even happening is because one opportunistic therapist got greedy, and the rest of them glommed on like Travolta’s butt-cheeks on a mocha colored five-skin.

3. Kelly Preston. Have you ever seen her act? Neither have I. But if I had, in fact, seen The Princess Diaries I would know that her acting ability plainly discloses the fact that she hasn’t seen a penis in about 25 years, if at all.  I didn’t think it was possibly to act like a frigid ice queen around Anne Hathaway’s Bambi about to get gang-banged gargantuan eyes, but Kelly Preston managed to pull it off. She was so stiff I got an erection, and I am pretty sure we only have about 15 minutes before the lesbian rumors about her resurface.

4.Exhibit Gay:

Only a real homo could pull of that saucy Raquel Welch #16 Sarah Palin hairpiece in Chocolate Brown (with bangs). With bangs I say!

5. John Gotterba, the alleged 6-year lover/pilot/buttboy of Travolta has publicly stated that Travolta has a “hairy body” and is “sexually repulsive.” Since I have eyes in my head, I can tell that he is clearly telling the truth. If you don’t believe me, just Google John Travolta man boobs, and try to keep your lunch in your belly.

At the end of the day, does it really matter to me if John Travolta admits he is gay? No, because I will poke fun at him regardless. You’re welcome.

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