Do Relationships Have A Calorie Count?

Spring is approaching. Love is in the air. Syphilis is on the rise. Its the perfect time for a relationship.

But is it really?

Summer, the season of nudity and outdoor sex follows spring pretty closely. Anyone who has ever been in a long term relationship knows that your gym visits become less frequent, you use it as an excuse to eat that extra donut or romantically share a creme brulee and before you know it you are so fat that instead of having sex you just grease each other up with butter and roll around on a plastic covered couch.

Is there a correlation between lengths of relationships and pounds on a scale?

It is no secret that relationships make us comfortable. When you don’t have to constantly go trolling for sex in Central Park at 11:30 PM (just me?) your physical upkeep starts to matter a little less. You start to realize that all the sex you could want is laying beside you snoring and you don’t have to bring your A-game physically.

So you stop running at 7 AM  in favor of staying snugged up, and the all night cocaine/liquor binges resulting in 3 days of accidental fasting cease. You have someone who loves you no matter what you look like. Physical fitness is something you have to be committed to and hold onto for dear life. But sometimes committing to a person replaces that and you let yourself go.

Being with someone is a privilege, not a right. Our relationships make us take things for granted. I personally feel that you should keep your body in shape for that other person so they always have something attractive to look at and put their genitalia inside of.  I also personally feel that in my last relationship my only workout was lifting a donut to my mouth and chasing it with a chocolate shake and an eclair IV.

So I am guilty. Shackle me with handcuffs made of licorice and lock me up in a food pantry filled with all the fixins. In my last relationship I got as out of shape as I have ever been which was bad because this last boyfriend was especially good looking.

The solution to this problem is to make exercise into something you do together. Go running at night in the park and make a pact–whoever runs the longest without stopping gets to top. Go to the gym together and pick up a Venezuelan body builder as a reward for staying in shape. Encourage your partner by talking about how much you love their body and grab their hairy he-tits in bed. (only do this if they are actual pectorals. If your partner has she-tits he might think you are trying to milk him. That is NEVER good.)

This way if you ever break up you will be in great shape to fuck 6 rebounds in one week, and if you stay together you will both be sleeping with someone attractive. It is the best of both worlds. In this scenario even when the glass is half empty it is still filled with a protein shake, or a more healthy option–air and thinness.

Now go throw up that bacon burger you just ate.

For the sake of your relationship.