Dissecting The Ultimate Gay Fear: Ending Up A Lonely Old F@g At The Bar

Let me start by saying that nobody dreams of holding a tiny, human pissing machine whilst inside a pool, sitting next to someone they haven’t fucked in 6 months. That isn’t what Martin Luther King Jr. wanted for us.

I have to say that when I see this photo, I don’t judge. Gay guys are allowed to want what they want, when they want it. I will say though, that I think people typically only want something until the day they get it. This photo addresses the ultimate fear in the gay community: that if you don’t find a mate in your 30′s you will end up a lonely old faggot at the bar. That fear is a big reason so many people are afraid to let go of toxic relationships. That fear is fucking stupid.

Ask any gay person what one of their biggest fears is: They will say they don’t want to end up a lonely, old faggot at the bar. Many gays think hunting for husbands is the solution to this problem, but there are really two solutions.

1. Don’t be an asshole.

2. Don’t live through the AIDS epidemic of the 1980′s.

Many of the older guys you see alone at bars lived through the AIDS epidemic. Maybe a bunch of their friends died. Maybe their partner of many years passed, also. Either way you can bet they have a slew of awesome memories to keep them alone at night, and if you speak to them, I’m sure they will probably make your night with the stories they could tell. Working out until you are so jacked you could steal a car with one of your tits will not prevent you from ending up alone. Hunting for a husband so hard you give yourself hemorrhoids, and exasperating yourself trying to make failing relationships work will not prevent you from ending up alone. The easiest way to prevent yourself from ending up a lonely old faggot is to cultivate love.

I know how that sounds but bear with me.

Build friendships. Not just acquaintances, I am talking about real-life, soul-mate, banding together in a zombie apocalypse, eating each other if you are stuck on a mountain friendships. Put time and effort into these people that you choose as your family.

Don’t worry if your relationships don’t work out. The relationships that really bring you joy will be fairly effortless. Whether you meet the right person for you in your 20′s or your 60′s, you will know when it happens. If you are staying in a relationship out of fear, don’t bother. Here’s a hint: Its not going to work out no matter what you do.

Work on yourself. Go to therapy, or take classes. Explore your hobbies, and your scrotum. That way, when you do find the right guy, you will be ready for him. You won’t need him. He will add things to your life, on top of all the greatness you already have. He will not fill any holes (except maybe your asshole).

When I look at the photo above, I can’t help but think how misguided it is. The couple on top may be happy, but part of them still wants what the people in the photo below have. And vice versa.

I want both photos. When I finally find the right guy, he will be the kind of bad-ass guy that runs beside me, instead of trying to slow me down. When I finally have a baby, it will be the kind of baby that throws back a mug of Miller light and jumps in the pool with me, and my husband. I won’t settle for any less, and you shouldn’t either.

And if, at the end of the day you find yourself alone–take solace in the fact that you lead a bad-ass life filled with bad-ass people. If you are extremely lucky, some of those people will be sitting beside you.