Celebrities That I Really Wish Would Give Up
Nicholas Cage is at the top of my list. I fucking hate him. I don’t if it is the bad hairpieces from the discount bin at Bokemia’s Wondrous Wig World, the saggy sad methface, that voice that sounds like he swallowed a hollow dick or those ridiculous basset hound eyes. I want to burn every movie he is in to the ground. And there are millions of them. Literally. Middle America, you can suck my ass for keeping this guy famous.
John Travolta is another avid customer of the discount wig store. Maybe its because he reminds me of a big Italian child molester. Maybe its because I have nightmares about the dingleberries that are undoubtedly adhered to his gargantuan hairy asshole. Maybe its the saggy albino orangutan titties or that I secretly wanted the lead part in Hairspray but all I have to say is SISTER PLEASE. You aren’t fooling anyone with your sham marriage and pilots license. Leave your old life behind and hit some bear bars–you big old grizzly daddy.
With Avril Lavigne its personal. Somehow she managed to sneak her entire album onto my iphone. I SWEAR to Gaga I didn’t download it. I will be going about my day minding my own business and this canadian she-douche that looks like an anorexic fox with hemroids (sp) will come on and screech into my ear like a cat getting fucked. There are plenty of good things that came from Canada. (actually there is only one and his name is Ryan Reynolds). Avril Lavigne is not one of them.
Denise Ricards, you hot piece of bitch. You will always have a place in my heart for being in the movie Drop Dead Gorgeous of which I can quote every line. But the reason you played the part of Becky Lehman so well is because she was a monstrous bitch. And so are you. There is nothing you can do to make yourself seem likable ever again and frankly those extensions offend my delicate sensibilities. So go back to your home on Whore Island and stop trying to get on Dancing with the Stars.
Britney Spears Weave. I’ve said it before and I will say it again. Like the rest of the world, for some reason I still believe in the woman herself but her head literally looks like a baby cat being born. I have seen more attractive hair on a toilet brush. I can’t possibly fathom how someone with so much money and so many people around her willing to wipe her ass for free can walk around looking like the fucking crypt keeper.
She needs to take a page out of the Kim Zolciak playbook entitled : I lost my hair in a trailer park fire but I spent $45 on this wig and I look fabulous
and get with the program.