Caught on Tape: Miss Piggy Wiping her Ass with Britney Spears

Let me preface by explaining how this post  is relevant:

1: It’s gay. Because nothing is more gay than maribou trim, bedazzled bodices,online dating, and the apolcalypse.

2: It’s fucked up. Britney Spears clearly hasn’t had a sober day since Oops, I did ecstacy+anal again.

3: It’s tragic. And any time two fat bitches are going to fight, I’m going to write! Also, I am assuming she is working with a new weavologist, but her hair still looks like the before picture of a tresemme dry shampoo commercial. On PBS.

There are a few hundred things wrong with this video. I will chronicle these phenomenons after the jump.

I am not the hugest Britney fan. (although you couldn’t tell by the way I just called her “Britney” like she’s “Jesus” or “Oprah”). But back in the day (A Tuesday if I remember correctly) Britney was thin. She was also an AMAZING performer. Ever since Britney Spears met Kevin Federline, her life went on a downward spiral, leading to several public embarrassments, and culminating in this video which was completely patronizing. The only thing I will say in her defense is that she turned out exactly the same way she would have if she had never become famous. She still smokes cigarettes and drinks FourLoco for breakfast (with Ke$ha, last I heard). She still married a fat unemployed piece of white trash and had a few too many babies. I respect a bitch that sticks to her guns. But that doesn’t mean I have to watch it sluggishly wobble around on my television while being blinded by the quick editing, smoke, fire, asteroids, hot male dancers with Aubrey O’Days dogs glued to their heads, MS-DOS computer equipment, and sequins.

So let me break it down, Shitney Queers–There was a time when you were a great performer. BECAUSE YOU COULD DANCE. You and your editing are no longer fooling anyone. The most important part of this is that she clearly doesn’t care anymore anyway. So why is the celebrity obsessed/pop culture engine still trying to turn this piece of stale chuck-steak into a filet mignon?

Here is a short list of the things wrong with this video, as anyone who has ever been tantalized by the simplicity of her oiled up body in Slave for you can clearly see:

1. Her boobs were trying to crawl into her armpits, and no amount of white cubic zirconias or bedsheet skirts could stop them. Brit’s tits realized early on that this video was going to suck ass, so they wanted to limit their camera time by hiding behind her shoulder blades.

2. Product placement. Yes, Sony, PlentyofFish, and Britney Spears Perfume I understand your goal from an advertising perspective. But this was blatant disregard for the intelligence of the viewer. At least try and brainwash us a little. Have some respect.

3. The crouching tiger hidden cokewhore japanese fighting scene. Seriously you cant plunk an artistic fighting scene in the middle of a fast paced choppy edited apocalyptic video–especially when the fighters are obviously body doubles. I think one of them was even a Brunette. And the other was wearing a shiny sassy platinum wig by the Raquel Welch wig collection. Britney Spears only got her legs in the air that high one time, and her thighs were substantially smaller back then. Also three babies popped out.

4. Serious music video VS Britney running around giggling like a tard. I get that you want to have fun and laugh ole spearsy–but at this point we are not laughing with you. Dance, you monkey! Dance–and then maybe we will be in on the joke that you are just in this business to have fun.

5. Faux Denim shorts. It’t like she cannot make a music video without some element of white trash. If this is supposed to be futuristic I would think that denim shorts paired with a cotton bra top would be outlawed in 48 of the 50 contiguous states not including Arkansas and Texas.

6. Sparks and fire shooting from the stage–totally unrealistic. If Britney got anywhere near a fire source like that she would use it to cook her meth, and that synthetic merkin on her head would vaporize faster than you can say “Can ya send mah assistant to get more cough syrup, Ya’ll?”

The only part of this video that made sense was when she basically fingerpainted using her bedsheet dress as a canvas. Because I truly believe that this is what Britney Spears actually does in her spare time.

The end of the song was especially poignant however–because everything including the fat-chick fight and finger painting orgy came to a climax. It had confetti raining down, Ole Spearsy tussin all over the stage like an obese sixth grader, fire bursts, gay dancers and editing cuts so extreme my nose started bleeding.

In closing, it was historically important to review this video, because like my life it was a complete shitshow. But unlike Britney Spears herself it felt inauthentic. So here is a note I wrote on lavender scented stationary:

Dear Miss Spears,

The next time you want to make a video that is just a complete ball of shit covered in fake Fendi, just dubb your song over the karaoke scene from crossroads. It may not be a gay extravaganza like HIAM, but at least it will be honest. Also I have some suggestions for the product placement: Lays Barbeque Ranch Potato Chips, and Skoal.

Yours truly,

Gary