Food and Drink
Is it possible to get alcohol poisoning off Mimosas? I think we proved yesterday that it isn’t, because we drank about 15 each. It was Nicky’s birthday yesterday, which was especially nice since his present (the official birthday gift of my group of friends) is to have power over the rest of us for the entire day. Nick was especially considerate of us on this day, because on my birthday I make my friends do foolish things like break up with their boyfriends and stick spatulas up their asses. We had gone out the night before to XL (which was an ordeal in and of itself, which I will get to later) so Nadia and I woke up alone in JMO’s apartment wondering if everyone else had been raptured. This would have been ironic because if anyone is going straight to hell in gasoline panties, its JMO.
I quickly discovered the Nicky had gone back to our apartment where he passed out in the nude surrounded by lit candles. I woke him up with two shots of vodka, and we decided to head to brunch. I don’t know if you have been to Pier 9 in Hells Kitchen, but we were blown away by it! Not only was the hostess super friendly (she even convinced the DJ to play Candy Rain, by Soul for Real, which was an idea that sounded awesome in our heads but ended up being lame as fuck-thank god we were shitfaced). The server refilled our unlimited mimosa’s every thirty seconds, and the food was absolutely impeccable. Our fruit salads contained nary a slice of cantaloupe, which is impressive in and of itself.
Since we started the day off wasted with cocktails its unsurprising that cock talk followed. Everyone went around the table discussing the worst places for bodily fluid, Emsy basically ate with one her legs up on my shoulder, and Nadia deep throated a mimosa glass. Frecks showed up 2 hours late dressed like a substitute teacher that got lost in Jurassic Park so I spent the rest of the day trying to let people in on that joke without him finding out. Oh, and there were children all around, which didn’t stop me from flirting with the guy at the next table over. I can’t get over how friendly the staff was though, it really was the perfect brunch.
I think we must have had at least 15 mimosas each, which I guess explains why Nadia ended up taking photos of my asshole on Ninth Avenue. Emsy and Nadia secretly made Nicky a cake, which I accidentally told him leading to Nadia putting the tranny smackdown on me by smearing my face with frosting, which I somehow forgot about even though I was basically snorting an 8 ball of sprinkles the entire time. Nobody had a candle, so someone (I am 100 % 50/50 that it was me) had the disgusting idea of using a lit cigarette instead, which is even more ironic since none of us smoke. Then, everyone was so fucked up they actually ate the cancer cake. Then, since we apparently love wasting alcohol we decided to Read more…
Basically the idea is that if you make this for your girlfriend, her panties will disintegrate into a cloud of dust and bad decisions. Its basically like a delicious, legal roofie. Also, its easy as hell. Recipes provided by Michael, the editor of Koshericious
1 oz. Absolut Apeach Vodka
1 oz. Absolut Vanilia Vodka
1 oz. Caribou Iced Vanilla Coffee
1 oz. White Chocolate Liqueur
1/2 oz. Chambord Raspberry Liqueur
Shake and serve in martini glass.
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We have all been there on multiple occasions. Whether you start the night with one type of liquor and just decide that you don’t mind if the night descends into madness, or you just don’t have any money and are so desperate that you find yourself drinking cooking sherry, we have all mixed liquors. And not all of us lived to tell the tale. So here is a handy guide so you know what to expect.
Champagne and anything else: A splitting headache the next morning that feel like Dane Cook is hate-fucking your brain with a Cutco kitchen knife. Followed by a forehead so sweaty that sorority girls could wrestle on it wearing nothing but cotton boy shorts that say clever things like slut and easy.
Vodka and Whiskey: Expect to be bending over the toilet at the end of the night after a few hot flashes where your face turned so red it looked like Lindsay Lohan’s asshole after a booty bump. There will also probably be some sort of bar altercation at some point where you get angry over nothing and end up crying in the bathroom stall about how you just love too much.
Beer and Wine: Ever had one of those drunken buzzes that just wasn’t any fun? Besides feeling so bloated that you have to unbuckle not only your belt, but the belts of people around you, the wine is going to make you tired. Mixing beer and wine turns you into a fat, sluggish slob. Who wants to Read more…
We can’t actually take credit for this one, but for the sake of journalistic integrity we thought it important to bring it to your attention anyway. Having a sci-fi themed party? (if you are please invite me so I can rsvp and then rudely not show up) Watching all the Alien movies with your friends and taking a shot every time an Alien Jizzes acid into someone’s face? (sounds like my Friday night)
Have a friend (Nick Mac who is actually really paranoid of aliens? Then this shot is for you.
Alien Brain Hemmorage:
Ingredients: Read more…
Have you ever gotten hungry while pounding away – I know I have. Check out the fun edible sex things below to try out on your favorite sexual partner (or several).
1. Yes, you can die from eating your own poop – but it is very rare
2. There is a chance that E. coli, salmonella, campylobacter, and shigella bacteria could be lurking inside your turd
3. Feces contain parasites such as amoebas and worms
4. Someone freak in the scientific community gave eating feces a name – coprophagia
5. That same freak probably gets sexual pleasure from eating feces, that too has a name – coprophilia
Just for fun, here is a video of a dog eating it’s own poop!
Its the 19th of January 2012 today. I know what you are all thinking: God, I can’t believe its been 19 days and I haven’t gotten laid yet. I am fat.
Well, you are probably right. Since 2012 (on the Japanese horoscope) is the year of the Aguilera (the bleached beached whale of the Japanese Marshes) and we live in the most obese country in the universe, I am going to assume that you have already given up on going to the gym. There is really no shame in it, because I know we can’t all be born with metabolisms as fast as Dina Lohan’s ability to spin a story. There are other options though, that I think are worth considering. Now is the time to save face. Unlike someone who is actually going to drop a bunch of weight – you went and told everyone about it. Now, everyone is asking you all the time how the exercise is going, but what you are actually hearing is “Why are you still fat?” and then you pull a hostess cake out of under one of your man-boobs and stuff your cocksucker full of unwanted sugars and fats.
That is really no way to live. So we here at Gloganvlog are happy to help. Here are some diet alternatives to start 2012 off with a bang.
1. Hire a body double. Depending on how much you care what people think, you can either go with someone who kind of looks like you, or a 113 lb 7 foot black supermodel named Zimbabwe. If you are on a budget, hire someone desperate from modelmayhem. Instruct this person in your mannerisms and send them to your job in your place. When someone asks whats going on, tell Zimbabwe to laugh charmingly and say: “I got a haircut.” It worked for Jennifer Aniston when she decided she would rather look like a potato than a human being. This will give you time to stay home and focus on your weight loss goals, such as:
2. Diet pills. I know that there are a lot of risky side effects to taking any kind of pill, but there are a lot of risks to being overweight too. Diet pills are one of the fastest ways to lose weight because they stave off your hunger and force your body to live off caffeine. If you take them for an extended amount of time you may end up looking like one of the polished beauties from the Faces of Meth campaign. Nobody said glamour would be easy, it depends on how much you want it.
3. Hire a bigger person to stand next to you at all times and go hunting for sexercise. When you have a larger friend, you immediately become “The hot one” every time you go out. At the end of the night, when there is at least one closeted lesbian sleeping in a pile of her own vomit on the dance-floor and two drunk guys left trying to buy shots with a maxed out JCPenney’s card you can go and introduce yourself. Both guys will probably make a pass at you, and you should definitely take both of them home. Sex burns a lot of calories. Sex with two guys burns more.
4. Go to the most ghetto neighborhood you can find. Doesn’t matter if it is white, black, hispanic, asian, or lesbian. Yell the most racist, evil-hearted, bigoted, Rick Perry like comment you can muster. Run.
There is no shame in not living up to your New Year’s resolutions – but you should probably Read more…
In my quest for new low carb diets I found myself wondering if insects could be part of a balanced diet. As a matter of fact there are several tasty insect morsels out there! Yes, there are all real items that you can buy and eat.
BBQ Roasted Larvae: Experience the amazing taste sensation of roasted larvae – perfect for any low carb snacker!
Chocolate Covered Insects: So these might not be the best low carb snack but WOW what a great dessert!
Scorpion Lollipops: My favorite part is that you could pierce your own tongue!
Salt n’ Vinegar Crickets: MMMmm perfect for nibbling or a light snack.
Ant Candy: Yes, those are miniature chocolate ant farms, and yes those are real ants inside that you can eat.
Inside we are all fat bitches that would love to break into the set of a Paula Dean Special and eat every one of those double-fried chicken wings. But on the outside we know better – we are always searching for the next great diet that will have our abs ready to wash whatever piece of laundry you happen have lying around after last night’s hook-up.
Well friends, the search is over and I have found the perfect diet: The Semen Diet! After some not-so-intensive intensive research I have found that semen is in fact that perfect food. It only has about 25 calories so you can have it for breakfast, lunch, AND dinner without feeling guilty. It also makes a great spread on toast or crackers as it adds just the right amount of salty goodness. If you’re going to exercise then why not mix some semen in with that pre-workout shake for an extra protein boost?
Semen comes in many flavors: African Dark, Spicy Mexican, Plain White, and even Asian (watch out for the MSG though). Grab yourself some semen today – it comes packaged in long tube.
See if you can follow my logic: Cocaine is a diet supplement that Sharon Stone and Whitney Houston used to do together in the 80′s. Basically, their daily food intake consisted of cigarettes, tab, unflattering shoulder pads, enough Aqua-net to destroy the Florida Wetlands, and unscrupulous amounts of cocaine for a period of about ten years. (And they haven’t aged a single day; still so glamorous and classy in 2012.)
Sharon Stone and Whitney Houston have always been rail thin. Therefore, it stands to reason that cocaine keeps you thin.
So obviously this bear isn’t doing enough.