Current Events
Reasons To Oppose Gay Marriage
As common sense and rationale dictates, sensible arguments in opposition to gay marriage do not actually exist. In layman’s terms, that means that people who oppose gay marriage are ignorant, and don’t actually have a leg to stand on. And if they did, that leg would be outfitted in a shoe from Kmart manufactured from scrap pieces of leather made from dog hide in Mexico. Forward thinking Americans don’t stand in the way of progress, but lets pretend for an instance that they did. Here are several reasons to oppose gay marriage.
If gay marriage passes, straight marriages will be null and void, because husbands and wives everywhere will leave their spouses in favor of marrying the same sex. Obviously, because if you are already married you know how great it is, and will be clamoring to enter into another marriage asap with your tennis coach.
If gay marriage passes, the sanctity of the nuclear family will be destroyed, leaving countless children orphaned. This is especially true since the model of the nuclear family has worked out so well, as evidenced by the low divorce rates the US. Everyone knows that gays aren’t capable of raising children, since parenting has everything to do with who you have sex with, and nothing to do with your moral character or values.Achhem, I would be remiss if I didn’t include one phrase here: The Pope.
Gay marriage is an affront to everything this country was built upon. For instance, life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Most of all, freedom. Everyone knows that rules and traditions exist for a reason. That is why women still can’t vote, and black people have to sit at the back of the bus.
Who Wore It Better: Kim Kardashian Versus A Killer Whale
First off, I want to say that I am not calling Kim Kardashian fat. I would never call a pregnant woman fat, mostly because I don’t need to. It is a known fact that women gain weight during pregnancy–they have to, otherwise their babies will be born glamorously thin, and then have no goals to work towards in life. I will take this opportunity, as I often do, to say this:
Originally, Keeping up with the Kardashians was komprised of 4 sisters: Kim, Khloe, Kourtney, and Killah, the out of work killer whale actress from the Free Willy movies. Killah was let go, however, after it was discovered that her and Khloe wouldn’t fit in the same big black Escalade at the same time. And by big black Escalade, I mean big black dick.
My money is on Kim. Literally. My wallet is sitting on top of her ass in this photo, you just can’t see it hidden behind all the bad fashion.
All I am going to say is that this dress reminds me of her love life.
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Comic Nerds Commence Joyous Masturbation: Wolverine Goes Gay!
For those of us who are aware that Hugh Jackman is a card carrying powerdrill-collecting Crisco pre-lubing bottom, this may come as no surprise. But Marvel X-men character Wolverine was recently revealed to be a homo, and in a secret relationship with Hercules. If you can bypass the fucktuppery of that statement for one moment, I can explain. Apparently in the Marvel universe there are different realities, and in this particular one Wolverine is in a monogamous (meaning they have threesomes with fresh-off-the-boat Colombian bartenders from Craigslist) relationship with this particular universes version of Hercules. Of course, Hercules’ father (who is apparently a member of the Westboro Baptist Church) can’t stand the fact that his son would be in a relationship with a “mortal” (read: guy) and sends them both to the fiery pits of Hell.
Sounds about right. I am a little shocked by this because if I was going to pinpoint a stool-stuffer from X-men my money would have been on Gambit or Jubilee. Gambit, because he obviously liked to hit the bottle and you know most guys are three beers away from a midnight hand-job in the basement, and Jubilee because Asian twinks have no choice but to be gay- because no self-respecting woman would ever sleep with them.
Regardless, I am glad that Wolverine finally found a big, beefy back to dig his claws into. I can only imagine the smell of the bear-on-bear leather bondage sex they must have. I would go so far as to say it smells like unkempt hobo ballsack, Nutella, and Jovan Musk.
The Biggest Hot Messes Of The Oscars 2013: A Recap
It doesn’t matter if you watched the Academy Awards last night or not, you have undoubtedly heard all about it today.
As expected, Jennifer Lawrence was so goddamned down-to-earth, personable and gorgeous that both of America’s previous sweethearts put themselves in the hospital. Julia Roberts smiled so hard her horse teeth cracked into shards, creating a mild earthquake in the San Fernando Valley. Reese Witherspoon hyperventilated, her breaths causing her face to finally cave in on itself, as it has been trying to do since she hatched out of that dragon’s egg so many years ago.
Anne Hathaway was insufferable, making sure to thank every single person in the production, in an effort to not seem insufferable. I am pretty sure her teleprompter just listed the credit roll from Les. Mis. She even thanked the dry oatmeal and celery diet that helped get her crucifixion thin.
Seth MacFarlane was hilarious and charming as a host. If he wasn’t 4 feet tall, I would stick it right up his pooper.
Argo, or whatever movie that is where Ben Affleck borrowed Raquel Welch’s morning wig in order to dress up like a dime-store pedophile and save the world or whatever won best picture, which made me wonder if nobody at the Academy saw Jack and Jill, with that busted Weho tranny Adam Sandler.
But on, to more important things, here are the biggest hot messes of the night :
Adele (pictured above) obviously farted on stage. That look on her face is the same one we all make when we fart in our sleep and it wakes us up. The whole: “Did my boyfriend hear that? Did it actually happen? Just to be safe I better hold my breath and pretend to be asleep. Will he ever look at me sexually again? Oh wait, never mind, I am alone.”
John Travolta’s wig, and his New Jersey bourgouise pronunciation of Les Miseraberlereassay.
Sandra Bullock flashed us a glimpse of her real face, when even her man-hands couldn’t manage to get the envelope open. Now we know the truth- that in her Oscar winning performance for The Blind Side, she played both herself, and that big black football player orphan or whatever. All I’m saying is that you don’t get a neck that thick without bench-pressing a ham hock or two. Or being born with a penis.
Renee Zellweger was shit-faced. She stumbled over her words, swayed back and forth while she was presenting, and was almost knocked over by George Clooney. It is also clearly obvious that when they went backstage, Catherine Zeta (whose presentation reminded me of a Florida drag queen winning a local pageant) dipped into her emergency stash of primo Colombian cocaine to perk Zellweger up enough to form coherent sentences.
Dare I say it, I actually enjoyed the Oscars this year.
Three Reasons Accused Murderer Oscar Pistorius Is Super Sexy
Some people may take issue with me calling an accused murderer sexy. My response to that? All murderers are sexy. Obviously. Otherwise, how would they be able to convince their victims to agree to be murdered? And that, kids, is forensic science 101.
Oscar Pistorius used to be known as a noted South African sprint-runner before he went all Casey Anthony with a six-pack on his girlfriend. Call me crazy, but I still think he’s hot as Hell. And a little murder never hurt anyone. (Except of course the people who were murdered). Here are three reasons whey I would still bone Pistorius, regardless of how red his hands are:
1. He’s part robot. If I was Pistorius’s girlfriend, I would never let him take his bionic robot legs off, even if they chafed his stumps in the bedroom. Sex with robots is obviously the wave of the future, and I like to consider myself ahead of the curve. Besides, if his legs are made of metal, imagine what his dick is made of (unless you are one of his future inmates, since I am sure they will catch a glimpse when they are ass-raping him). Lets just say that erectile dysfunction is probably not a problem. Unlike airport security…
2. Height is not an issue. There is nothing sadder than a super hot guy with a great personality, that looks great on paper, but is only 5’7″. Guys that are 5’7″ are proof that God has a sense of humor, because you want so badly to like them and be with them forever, but are constantly reminded that they are short enough to breastfeed without slouching. It’s really not fair. Pistorius probably has like 6 sets of legs that are interchangeable depending on the size of his girlfriend’s heels. That is called being considerate. Tom Cruise, take note.
3.He has an accent. I literally do not care what kind of accent you have, from New Jersey to New Guinea, I think it is sexy. Why? Because I think retards are sexy too, and in my mind, people that can’t speak the same language as me occur as slightly retarded. Is this probably an ignorant American standpoint? Yes. Am I an ignorant American? I don’t know. Would a truly ignorant American admit to that?
In conclusion, I don’t care if Oscar Pistorius murdered his girlfriend in cold blood-he is still a total dreamboat. Or dream motorcycle. Or dream toaster oven. Yee Haw.
More sexy, shirtless pics of Pistorius after the Read more…
ManCandy: Anthony Gallo By Greg Vaughan
If you’re like me, you are taking this frigid cold, anti-testicle winter weather as an opportunity to think about this coming summer. I am so fed up with this weather, if Mother Nature actually existed, I would track her down and do the Harlem Shake all over her face until my taint gave her a wicked case of rugburn, much like the Nebraska Men’s gymnastic team (except their rug burn was on their foreheads). So naturally, I stumbled upon these photos of Anthony Gallo shot by Greg Vaughan and I had to share them. They remind me of Fire Island for two reasons:
1. I am pretty sure they were shot on Fire Island. That pool deck looks familiar. I feel like I have been face-down drunk on it before.
2. Every photo of a guy in a speedo reminds me of Fire Island. Even though I wonder if Fire Island is over (like Hurricane Katrina, it just hasn’t been the same in the past years. Chalk it up to mis-management), I am pretty sure it still has a couple seasons left. I will never forget my first New York summers spent traipsing around the beach in a speedo, biting people’s faces, getting a tick on my balls from giving my boyf a beef in the meat rack, and all the friendships I made (and by friendships, I don’t mean hookups. Those only lasted 30 seconds).
So enjoy the speedo pics and get into the spirit of things. If you need help, I added some friendly captions below.
I finally made it to the Americas. That Michelin tire didn’t last long, and sharks ate all my clothes, but I see a Taco Bell already, so I feel right at home. Viva La Puerto Rico.
When dildos just aren’t available, heels are the next best thing. Just make sure you lotion up or it’ll be like Read more…
Nebraska Men’s Gymnastics Team Does The Harlem Shake
Or, as I like to think, the Nebraska Men’s Gymnastics team has a spontaneous orgy in the foam landing pit. (PS, the phrase foam landing pit also refers to the clenched rectum of a male gymnast after he dismounts. Dismounts refers to the male gymnast jumping off the coaches erect cockle after his wife walks into the locker room. Locker room refers to the coaches vagina, which hasn’t been touched in years. And vagina refers to the reason child support was invented.) How do I know so much about men’s gymnastics? I used to be a gymnast for a short time. Its the reason I still have five abs even though I can put away an entire pizza without even swallowing.
The Harlem shake is sweeping the nation, just like Gangnam style did. But unlike Gangnam style, the Harlem shake isn’t fucking annoying, and has nothing to do with Kim Jong Il wearing harem pants (too soon?). This video is worth watching because it involves a bunch of shirtless guys jumping around like monkeys and beating each other off. Its like Lord of the Flies, but without any fat kids getting murdered (unfortch). Also, there are muscles.
Plenty of muscles. Any more questions?
I inserted some screen shots into my foam landing pit after the video. Scroll down for a blurry treat (PS blurry treat refers to lunch-time fapping sesh in the bathroom of the JC Penney’s where you work).
Crime, Welfare, Slavery, Timberlands, and Queen Helene haircare products.
Just kidding, that was definitely racist.
Gay Rights: The whole Civil Rights Movement began when Rosa Parks decided she didn’t want to sit on the queef-infested seats at the back of the city bus. If you have ever ridden a city bus, I am sure you can relate, but imagine it without air conditioner and industrial strength deodorants. Buses back then must have smelled like the inside of Christina Aguilera’s spanx after couples night at Golden Corral buffet. In all seriousness though, its because she stood up for her basic human rights that we are able to do it too.
Beyonce: If the almighty Oprah Winfrey is willing to stick her nose so far up Beyonce’s ass it comes out bedazzled in Swarovski crystals, then America should follow suit. Beyonce is an inspiration to us all. Why? Because she is classy in a way that many celebrities aren’t, and no matter how far she gets in life, she doesn’t forget the small people (those backup dancers of hers at the Superbowl whose mics weren’t turned on). I was going to mention hair weave on this list, but saying Beyonce is kind of the same thing, right?
Sending the Ravens to the Superbowl: Lets call a spade a spade. Black people are better at sports. There, I said it.
Underwear: If Eli Whitney had never invented the cotton gin, we would all Read more…
Celebrating President’s Day: Top Four Shadiest Presidents
I don’t know much about presidents, except that the current one has two daughters named Nala and Simba, and his wife currently made a very bad decision whilst at the synthetic wig store in downtown DC, but I do know a funny photo when I see one. This composite of President Obama and Jesus not only made me LOL so hard I contracted toxic shock syndrome, but it also got me thinking of previous presidents, and the scandals that followed them around. Not that any of them compare to Michelle Obama’s horrible fringe bangs (made even worse by the fact that Karl Lagerfeld spoke out publicly against them, and I hate to agree with that old cunt on anything). Anyway, here are 4 of the top presidential scandals in the history of the United States.
Richard Nixon was so shady that rumor has it he was born under a redwood tree, which he later chopped down and traded to the Devil in exchange for blood diamonds mined by orphaned African AIDS babies. Everyone has heard of Watergate, but not everyone knows what it is. Thank you, Wikipedia. Apparently, Nixon used stolen money to fund his re-election, and was later accused of covering up a bunch of other illegal activities, which the public discovered because there was a secret tape recording device in his office. He is the only president in US history to have resigned from his post.
Grover Cleveland had a secret kid. Before his election he had an affair with a widow, who bore him a son. He then secretly agreed to pay child support, but ended up putting the kid in an orphanage to be raised by wolves and pedophiles (Or Popes. Same thing, right?)
Ronald Reagan’s administration secretly gave money to Nicaraguan revolutionaries that they obtained by selling weapons to Iran. Reagan was basically the poor man’s butt-baby of Sadaam Hussein and Bin Laden. Unfortch, terrorism wasn’t as chic then as it it today.
Bill Clinton got a blowjob. I will never understand why this was such a scandal, since the president of the United States should be allowed to get blowies all day, every day, from whomever he chooses regardless of political affiliation. As a result, Clinton was almost impeached. If you ask me, seems like a lot of trouble for a Saturday afternoon pump and dump, but the fact that this scandal is even on the list is evidence of just how ass-backwards our country is.
Anyway, Happy President’s Day.
This video is everything that is, every was, and ever will be. If you don’t watch it right now I can’t guarantee that you will even live to regret it, because you might die of chronic disappointment. In the history of music videos, I don’t think I have ever seen one that combines overeating, used condoms, stripper dicks, harassing children, sex with bikers, destroying office furniture, rastafarians, and riding horses with black men in such a classy, uncomplicated way. Anyone who has ever had a boring desk job, been a shlumpy (yet fucking awesome) redheaded slut, or woken up from a one-night-stand, puzzled because the handle of whiskey is still full can relate to it. And lets be honest, that covers just about everyone, right?
In case you need more incentive, here are a few screenshots to wet your palate. The video itself is at the end of the sexy rainbow.
