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Blowjob Ettiquette: Lessons On Deep-Throtation And Fellatio

June 8, 2012

We have all seen them, been around them, touched them, and rubbed them in our hair. Big Dicks are all around us, and chances are you are going to run into one at some point, possibly literally. You first instinct will be to put it in your mouth, but what if your mouth doesn’t open that wide? What if your gag reflex is so pathetic you vomit from using a toothpick? Here are some tips on how to S an over-sized D. You’re welcome.

Practice on a cucumber. Buy the largest one you can, cover it with some type of marmalade (this will make it more pleasurable) and repeatedly jam it as far into your throat as you can. If you vomit the first few times you are doing it right. If you swallow it, congratulations: Not only are cucumbers rich in many vitamins and nutrients, but you are more of a man than I am.

Stretch out your mouth by stuffing it with as many golf balls as possible. This exercise has other positive repercussions, as you will later find out when you date a foreign man and he demands you join the teabag party.

Think of something else, such as being murdered by a knife-wielding Mexican immigrant. If you are too busy thinking about being stabbed in the mouth by a Danny Trejo’s Machete, you won’t be thinking about being stabbed in the mouth by a BBD (Big Black Dick).

Use your hands. Whenever the over-sized dingus jams into the back of your throat, slap it with your hands and say “Back! Back I say!” This will teach the over-sized dingus not to assault you throatally, but also not to pee on the rug, or hump other over-sized dinguses at the over-sized dingus park.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. Elisha Wilson permalink
    June 8, 2012 6:41 PM

    Great advice! I’m going to go to the farmers market this morning & I’ll pick up some marmalade. ;)

    • Gary permalink*
      June 13, 2012 12:36 PM

      haha if you can’t find any you can make your own using dingleberries and whipped cream

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