*My birthday dinner was a hot mess. I say this knowing full well that a birthday dinner is really a reflection of a person–so mine was disorganized, crazy, drunken, and quite an adventure. A complete shitshow. I’m actually proud. In order to save time I have just inserted the facebook message I had between Jats and I regarding the dinner,which he missed because he was day-drunk and passed out.
I called Ivo and Lulu at 2 pm to make a reservation for 8 but they said I didnt need one. I think. The guy was speaking in pretty heavy french-carribean if that is even a thing.
I showed up at 7:45 (early! for once) hoping to put our name in, only to find out half the restaurant is under renovation and they cant seat us until 9:30.
I planned for 8 pm so Logan could come because he had to work. He of course overslept and canceled at the last minute.
Nobody else showed up until 8:15, by that point Jats had canceled too so we were down to 7.
Groomed poon ( a name we coined for Freck’s roomate that night), frecks, vineyard (his bf from portugal) and I decided to take a train to Tartine instead. Only to find out there is a 2 hour wait there too (even though the guy on the phone said 30 mins), which we found out from a group of lesbians also waiting for Tartine, drinking whisky from paper cups. They didn’t offer us any cups, which just proves my point that lesbians are horrible mulleted human beings.
We get accosted by a shirtless Latino guy (who I frankly thought was hot even though he was clearly homeless), We are told Jmo’s boyfriend Tangelo is at Ivo and Lulu even after he shows up at Tartine 5 minutes later. Jmo goes to the wrong Tartine, and after researching other restaurants we decided to just go to Shindia’s and order seamless web without asking him permission. He says no. We decide to go back to Ivo and Lulu for our 9:30 seating.
Any time I am in a shituation where things aren’t going my way and I have liquor I just start drinking. This way no matter what happens at least I am guaranteed to have a good time. Vineyard and I start hitting the bottle on the streets. The cops that walk by see how stressed my birthday boobs are and don’t say a word.
So we get back to ivo and lulu as 7 people, and Bryce randomly shows up.(she had told me earlier she might show up late–but if we hadn’t come back to Ivo and Lulu she would have been alone haha)
The list of ppl who also show up randomly at that point: Shindia, Paws, Tivona, and her hot boyfriend.
Oh, I forgot my friend Noel was there the whole time too.
So we originally said 7 ppl at 9:30, and are now squeezing in 12 ppl at 10 into space for 7. All the other people in the restaurant (which is the size of my bedroom btw) are pissed.
The French manager is drinking with us and regaling us with stories about his pet racoon. I finally feel like things are coming together (meaning everyone is drunk). Bryce and Jmo are bonding over their respective jewiness and baby bjorns, which I am determined to put my svedka cherry vodka (new favorite vodka no chaser required).
Then I realize how much drama is going on.
Shindia is mad at Frecks for something and isn’t talking much–just stalking off to smoke every 5 minutes. Paws speaks Portugese and is BLATANTLY flirting with Frecks boyfriend right in front of everyone. To the point where I am literally saying “Paws, quit flirting with Freck’s boyfriend you racist bitch” and he is responding with “I want to have a threesome with them.” Play this dialogue on repeat. Tivona for some reasons seems uncomfortable when we have a group discussion about her tits (can’t imagine why since this is the first time we are meeting her boyfriend–also the first serious relationship she has had in the 3 years we have been friends)–I also remember him saying he would still be with Tivona if she had a penis. Frankly, I would also be with Tivona if she had a penis. He was awesome though. The piece de resistance came when Jmo picked up Groomed Poon’s work blackberry and changed her background to the photo below.
To get him revenge, Groomed Poon steals Jmo’s phone, and finds a text message he sent me that says: I HATE GROOMED POON. There is really no way to talk your way out of that. I don’t think I even tried.
So if a birthday is a reflection of a person then I have to say all the drama aside this birthday was pretty accurate. It was an adventure to say the least. And growing one year older is a lot easier when you have a bunch of hot mess friends that will give you a great story to write about later.
The next morning I drunkenly stumbled over to my fuckbuddy’s apt because I hadn’t masturbated in 3 days. Frankly I think that is why the night went so awry.
The best line came the next day after a 10 hour brunch-drinks on the rooftop-music video shitshow that turned into steak and smothered cheese fries at outback when Freck’s said “We aren’t friends with Gary because we expect him to be a good person–we are friends with him because he’s crazy and fun and ridiculous.”