Before Magic Mike: Photo Of Channing Tatum As A Trashy Florida Stripper

A photo of Channing Tatum before Magic Mike looking gayer than any male stripper ever has a right to look.

Before we jump in, I feel like its my responsibility to reiterate (as if its not obvious by my affinity for chugging cans of Nattie Ice in phone booths) that I am Florida trash too. As many of you may know, Channing Tatum first tasted the glamorous bright lights and sparkly casting couch blowjobs of fame when he was a stripper in Tampa, Florida. I have to honestly say that while I totally get why everyone finds him so fucking hot, I am not that attracted to him. Maybe its because I have seen plenty of Florida strippers, and I am just desensitized to the smell of tanning oil, tramp stamps, and the vision of a slightly out-of shape paunchy straight guy gyrating for dollars in a smoke-filled bar.

Here is my evidence that Channing Tatum is Florida trash:

The Frosted tips: A constant giveaway every time, because if you live in Florida, you need to have at least one streak of blond in your hair, even if you are as black as the Reverend Al Sharpton.

The Buzz cut: Ever wanted to trick a girl into thinking you are in the Military (which translates into: I am not stuck in this town working at Kash N Karry, and I have great benefits so if you poke a hole in the condom and trap me, the kid will be taken care of)? A buzz cutt is the perfect way to do it. Then you can have unprotected sex with strange girls and subsequently ignore their desperate text messages asking you for just one more night of passion in the back seat of their Subaru.

The Eyebrow ring: Nothing says “I used to tweak so hard I pissed blood on myself during a rave when I was 17″ like an eyebrow ring. Eyebrow rings are a staple of the Florida underground meth culture, and the best way to identify yourself as someone who knows both how to party, and how to eat someone’s face off.

The Puffy Sweaty Coke Face: In Florida, the cocaine is cut with baby laxative. If you have ever seen a baby try and drop a 10 lb deuce, then you will instantly recognize the sweaty puffy coke face for what it is: A sign of excellence and a job well done (at either filling up a diaper or deteriorating your septum.

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