Posts by Jason Moriarty
Scientists have discovered what most of us have know for years – that there are many big brown penises in Africa. A few day’s ago the ever-so-phallic “penis snake” was found slithering around the amazon – interestingly enough this big brown bitch isn’t a snake at all but rather a legless amphibian. Of course scientists are taking time to “fully understand” the organism which in my mind translates to seeing which scientist wants to bottom for the creature first. Cheers to you my scientist friends for discovering the penis snake; I think Gloganvlog now officially has a mascot.
Yes Chick-fil-a CEO Dan Cathy is a religious zealot, yes he hates the gays, and yes his chicken is so f**king amazing I have a mouthgasm every time I eat it. I know I should hate chick-fil-a for trying to snuff out the gays like yesterday’s waffle fry grease fire but I find myself longing for those magical chicken nuggets and
crack Polynesian sauce almost on a daily basis.
Being that Dan Cathy is as old as the Earth it itself I don’t really see him changing his ways any time soon so there is no point in trying to persuade him to start liking the gays. But, the good news is after years of eating fried chicken his arties are probably clogged more then Oprah Winfrey’s colon – he his bound to kick the (chicken)-bucket soon. So rejoice friends, when the new CEO takes over we can try and win him over – so give it a rest for now and enjoy your damn chicken.
Living the New York party lifestyle such as I do – I have a Ph.D in detecting telltale signs that people are crackheads. I’m sad/happy to report that my neighbors might just be living the posh crackhead lifestyle right under (or in) my nose! The signs:
- I’ve seen cute little plastic baggies trying to hide underneath the front door Mat
- Both neighbors look skinny enough to be confused with Golem, my precious
- They claim that the white dust that adorns several contertops is merely drywall from hanging pictures
- They have really short straws – but not really short glasses
- Their electricity goes out more than I do
- The have a whole lot of foil – but no food in which to cook with
- Their fridge consists of water, lettuce, and um, that’s pretty much it
Chris Hughes – otherwise known as the “Facebook co-founder that no one one has heard of” tied the knot with his long time boyfriend Sean Eldridge. Some of the attendees included: Rainbow Brite (and her unicorn), Richard Simmons, and of course David the Gnome’s bitch ass. Everything went off as planned until Mark Zuckerberg jumped out of a five-tiered strawberry surprise wedding cake and announced his 70th Facebook update this month – way to steal the show Mark! Anyway, mazol tov to the happy couple; I look forward to seeing your updated FB relationship status change to “looking for a third” in a few months – count me in!
Yes, please boycott Oreo for their support of Gay Rights. We’ll all appreciate you going on a diet. While you’re at it, please also throw away your iPod, iPhone, and iPad since Apple supports as well. Hopefully you have lots of clothes, because you’ll need to ditch your Levi’s and Nike’s too. Perhaps you bought them at … JC Penney’s or Sears? Sucks you’ll have to take them back … or actually, anything you wear from anywhere probably had a gay involved. Flying somewhere soon? Better not be on American, Delta, Southwest, or United…you’ll need a new ticket. Airline wasn’t mentioned? Just be sure your jet isn’t Boeing made. Don’t sleep at Marriott or Hilton (or any of their family brands) because you might catch the gay they support. That morning coffee from Starbucks will have to go as well, go ahead it replace it with a McCafe…oh wait, McDonald’s supports gay rights too. Hmm, do you clean with Tide, Gain, or Bounty? Use Duracell batteries, shave with Gillette, or use Fixodent? Brush with Crest, use Pantene, Scope, Tampax, Venus, or Old Spice products? Those are all gone too, stupid Proctor & Gamble supporting the gays. Damn, you’re using Internet Explorer or Crome to see Facebook and read this status? Download something else, Microsoft and Google show their Pride as well. Ah, but your drinks are safe. Coca-Cola, Pepsi, and Budweiser are on your side … if your side is on the right side of history since all three also support Gay Rights. Hopefully, you or your lawyer will never need in-depth research. Both LexisNexis and Westlaw, who together control the market, support Gay Rights. Drive that big, manly, Ford F350? It’s a “Friend of Dorothy” too, as it’s company Ford and General Motors also support the rights of all. So, do us all a favor, don’t take it all out on a festive cookie … just stay home and boycott everything.
Gary’s How to Tell if You Are Florida Trash post has both inspired and aroused me – not necessarily in that order. I have decided to follow-up that post with one of my own. I think the title is self explanatory, unless you are on meth in which case the title won’t matter anyway because you don’t have the brain cells required to decipher the first half of the alphabet. Not judging, just saying.
How to Tell if Your Neighbor’s House is Really a Meth Lab:
- There is more foil on your neighbor’s window then in the entire Reynold’s Foil factory
- You smell something similar to burning hair – all the time
- The smoke coming out of your neighbors chimney is white and wispy – much like a happy stratus cloud
- You cut your foot on what you though was a sharp rock, only to realize it was a broken glass pipe
- All the spoons in your silverware drawer are now bent – and Neo is nowhere in site
- You spot a rotting zombie corpse in your yard, only to realize it’s your neighbor still up from a 10 day binge
- Your neighbors yard is grown over and unkempt and bares striking resemblance to Donald Trump’s hair
- Your neighbor suddenly asks to borrow $5,000 – but don’t worry he will pay you back tomorrow
- There seems to be spontaneous house fires, every week
Why is that when some people reach their mid-20s they feel the need to settle down and start popping out babies like a Mexican chicken farm? What is the rush people, everyone knows that 35 is the new 25 – unless you are Lindsey Lohan in which case 35 is the new 55.
What I’m getting at is that we have much more time to raise a family than our parents and grandparents. When they were young they had to be worried about being killed off by Tuberculosis, The Black Plague, and Elton John’s music so starting a family early on was way more important. You have the unique situation in your 2o’s of being young and beautiful and also making a decent living – it’s the perfect combination so don’t waste it. Go out and have fun, get fucked up, be silly, and do stupid things because I certainly do.
And that’s how Jew C’s it.