American Horror Story Recap: Reasons Not To Be A Lesbo Or Date Black Chicks

This isn’t going to be a full recap, so much as an open discussion on all the craziness that went down on American Horror Story: Asylum last night. Full disclosure: I wasn’t sober when I watched it, so forgive me (and by forgive, I mean high-five because it gave me the courage to watch it in the dark).

It starts off in present day at the abandoned Briarcliff Asylum, with Adam Levine screwing Channing Tatum’s wife Jenna Dewan-Tatum on a metal gurney/temperpedic adjustable bed. Then, she hears some strange noise (that isn’t the sound of their sex-based marriage imploding) and wants to go check it out. They find a scary room, and she wants to get inside. He wants to get inside too, obviously, because the only way he will explore it is if she promises him a blowie. Then he gets his arm ripped off. Her blowjobs must be really good to get him to enter this place.

Then we cut to my season 1 Crush (him and every other guy on the show) Evan Peters playing Kit, a gas station attendant in the 1960′s in an interracial relationship with some woman from The Help named Alma. They have hot sex, then apparently get abducted by Aliens? Kit gets fingered in the ass by some long alien fingers, and pretends not to like it. Later, the cops find his beautsie black wife skinned, and he gets committed as a serial killer. Did anyone else see the throwback to season 1, when Evan Peters probed a gay cowboy up the ass with a fire poker? Karma’s a bitch, my friend.

It was nice seeing Evan Peters’s ass as they hosed him down with freezing cold lube and strapped him to a bed, ready for more alien action that would never come.

Sister Mary Jude (who oversees Briarcliff) needs to get pounded, like right now. Her vagina is obviously dryer than a Nevada desert at noon. This is why we masturbate, people. Jessica Lange was flawless as the ball-busting, hypocritical, dried up old whore nun. When she isn’t torturing her inmates  by spanking them with whips or shaving their heads, she is walking around in a bright red Christy Turlington Casuals Collection for Kmart negligee and fantasizing about her boss. I understand that when you work with someone, it immediately makes them more attractive, but I don’t know if her sexy boss Monsignor (Joseph Fiennes) could ever get red-wine-shitfaced enough to bang her. The best she might hope for is a lovely afternoon face-fuck. Those victimized-by-gravity jowls on her jawbone would make for a fine set of handlebars.

Sara Paulson plays Lana Winters, a name she probably lifted from a drag queen. Lana is an investigated journalist that pretends she is doing a story on the Briarcliff Bakery, (you have three guesses what the main ingredients of a Briarcliff everything bagel are probably going to be) when in reality she wants to get a story on Bloody Face (the nickname they gave Kit. I guess alien-fucker was taken). She ends up being a total lez, and Sister Mary Jude blackmails her elementary school teacher girlfriend (Clea Duvall) into Baker-Acting her and signing her over to Briarcliff’s care.

Lastly, there is Dr. Arden (James Cromwell) who is doing a lot more than perfecting the perfect daily moisturizer for an insane person. His story is that he is dissecting the patient’s brains to find out what makes them so evil, then using poor little Sister Mary Whineytits (Lily Rabe) to feed their body parts to some kind of creature ( my money is on Khloe Kardashian ) that he keeps in the forest behind Briarcliff. If he wants to study evil, he should probably look within. It was really interesting how he represents science, while Sister Mary Jude reps religion. It made for an interesting back-and-forth when she kept threatening to figure out what shenanigans he was up to.

My roommate always talks about how Ryan Murphy shoves his themes into people’s faces. I can’t decide if this is a good thing or a bad thing, because on one hand, he is both entertaining and educating us. On the other, its more obvious than casting Clea Duvall as a lesbian. (If you haven’t seen But I’m a Cheerleader, go to Blockbuster now. Just kidding. Whats Blockbuster? ). He took us back to the 60′s and made commentary about how interracial couple Kit and his wife Alma had to drive to another city to be married. He reminded us that in the 60′s you could be committed for being gay or slutty (Chloe Sevigney plays the perfect butter-face nymphomaniac. My eyes lit up when she blew that orderly in the men’s ward). He mentioned more than once that gay couples had no legal rights towards each other when Sister Mary Jude laid the tranny smackdown on Lana’s girlfriend.

Is he opening our eyes to the social injustices of the century while simultaneously reminding us that it is still happening everywhere? I say yes. But is it blended in within character nuances and entertaining plot lines? Yes. So I guess my answer is that while he could be a little more subtle, Ryan Murphy’s mission to mix social commentary and entertainment totally effective.

Obviously. Because I am bitching about it to all of you.

Ass probing, injustice for gay couples, dried up dowagers, and a whole lot of bondage? American Horror Story: Asylum is off to a great start.