A Warm Welcome to the Gayborhood

Here I am, snuggled atop my Ralph Lauren vintage floral sheets, engulfed in my white down comforter, sleeping like an Amish angel readying herself for a big day of cross-stitching. Next thing I know, I hear my roommate’s window fly open.

Now, being a young woman in New York City, this sort of thing should worry me. Nope, no it didn’t. There’s only a 10 percent chance that it is indeed a rapist/murderer climbing through the window. There is a 60 percent chance that it is my neighbor J.Mo, and there is a 20 percent chance that it is one of the young boys from the Midwest with whom he is currently hooking up. As I suspected in my half-sleep state, it was my neighbor. Into my bed pounces J.Mo. Well, more like on top of me.

“Come smokesies with us,” he slur-cooed, “I’m so highsies.”

He proceeded to emit a high pitched chuckle and lay down next to me and fall asleep. At this point, I had never really left my slumber, so I continued to sleep with my neighbor in my bed. A little while later, I awaken to my bed shaking.

“Why is my bed shaking?” I thought to myself, thoroughly confused. I look over at J.Mo – dick out, masturbating.

I just stared in disbelief for a few seconds then, without hesitation, bitch slapped him in the face and screamed, “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?” Then he stopped immediately and went instantly back to sleep without saying a word like a narcoleptic sex addict. Then I turned over and fell back into my angelic slumber. Just another day in the gayborhood.