A Gloganvlog Reader Submission: My Vagina Doesn’t Have An Expiration Date

Today’s reader submission comes straight out of Texas. Belle is a professional dancer/singer/comedienne who has decided that even though it is years away, instead of an old cat lady, she is destined to become the epitome of old people awesomeness: an old whiskey and water with a  splash of vicodin in a starbucks thermos lady.

Alrighty! Well, I’m on the verge of turning 27. I’m really not scared of age, so it doesn’t bother me, but for everyone else it seems like that age should affect my universe in a way that I cannot even comprehend. The following things tend to be a trend when I say how old I am:

“Oh my God! Really? Man….”

“Whoa! That’s old!”

“Dang! What are you gonna do? You’re almost 30!”

“I mean…you look good for your age.”

“At least you don’t act that old.”

“So…are you getting married soon?”

That last one really makes me mad. I mean, it’s as if they can see an expiration date written on my body somewhere. For example: a few weeks ago, after declining a date with a guy, he told me, “You’re only gonna be cute for so long, then no one is really gonna be down to hit it…so I’d look into finding something to get while ya can. Just sayin.” Good job on my part for declining that guy!  Ugh…people are really ridiculous sometimes. BUT! His view (although said in a tasteless manner) is shared by many.

Tonight, after a successful night at dance practice, I went to the local drugstore to pick up a few things. I pulled into a parking spot, and noticed a homeless gentleman standing in the way of the door. He waved at me, and I smiled and waved back as I grabbed my purse and phone from the passenger seat. When I looked back up, the man began performing magic tricks with his cigarette. He put on a fairly amusing 1 minute show, so on my way into the store I gave him a few dollars. I mean…why not?

Once inside, I quickly picked up my items and went to the register. The lady sarcastically laughed as she scanned my two cans of cat food, one can of soup (dinner), bottle of juice, and pack of gum. She raised an eyebrow and said, “So…you live alone with a cat?” I replied, “Well…and a dog, too.” She sighed, shook her head, and asked for my CVS Card, which I saved eighty cents with! Boom!

I wasn’t too concerned with the sad picture she had clearly painted in her mind of my life as a cat lady, eating t.v. dinners alone in my apartment, and actually thought it was good that I gave her something to be amused with for the next 5 min of her life. I grabbed my things, smiled, and headed out the door.

The homeless gentleman was still outside performing magic for others…they weren’t as impressed as I had been, and pushed passed him. I smiled, and waved good-bye to him, and he said, “Thank you again…you’re an angel.” Touched, I turned and said, “Oh! Of course. I love magic, so thank you.”

I walked to my car, and he yelled, “Aren’t you married?”

I laughed, and said, “No sir.”

“Boyfriend?”

“Haha…No. Not for me.”

“….Well that doesn’t make sense. You’re pretty…Is something wrong with you?”

I didn’t know what to say. A homeless man had just asked if something was wrong with me….AFTER I had given him money. I had just paid for magic and an insult.

The ride home was pretty funny. After being judged by a sales clerk, and insulted by a homeless man, I was about to go home to a dog and cat, eat a t.v. dinner on the floor of my apartment, and watch an episode of Pretty Little Liars on Hulu. That entire scene was HILARIOUS, and exactly what I wanted. Don’t get me wrong, I usually live a spectacular and eventful life, but tonight was meant for me to be alone….and I was….and I was happy…and I am happy.

So…I guess what I’m trying to say is, I don’t think I have an expiration date. I’m good for life, because I’m happy with myself.