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A Gloganvlog Reader Submission: A Twink’s Guide To Cockblocking Yourself

April 1, 2011

*Today’s post comes to TVT (The Virgin Twink). He is a good looking, intelligent, smart, tiny little person that weighs a buck 25 soaking wet with 3 lb crack rocks in his pocket.Think getting laid is easy just because you are a Japanese businessman’s fantasy? Think again. And read on. 

So here’s the thing; most people have a decently active sex life that usually involves hooking up with the same person more than once. However, a special few of us have a low frequency sex life (that doesn’t even involve fucking/getting fucked) and usually only meet and greet the same dick once. But with such a desirable V-Card, one might wonder, How is it that some dog isn’t lusting after you (read: raping you) to win that big prize? (And by prize, I mean the mizuage that rich men bid over, like in Memoirs of a Geisha…because everybody wears kimonos and sells their body, right?) So, dear friends, here are the tricks as to how such a svelte virgin twink won’t even get a text message.

1. Rely On Brains, Not Beauty. Because we all know that showing how smart and condescending you can be is the exact same thing as pulling your pants down and saying “Take it, daddy, it’s all yours.” While twinks like me love being told how mature they are (read: we both know you look like a child, but this won’t actually be statutory rape), it can also be our prime defense mechanism. Because a great way to get him to not call you is to have him not even ask for your number, because he has already stopped talking to you and found someone who isn’t an asshole.

2. Play Hard to Get, Forever. We all think holding off the sex for one date = I’m not a whore and you can take me seriously. Thus, if holding out on hooking up is supposed to make you seem like a better person…why not KEEP holding out. So while he may have your number and likes the pictures you send him of your penis (read: penis), you never actually let him interact with it. Eventually ‘hard to get’ becomes socially awkward shriveled prune, and he will stop responding to your texts and never pick up his phone when you call.

3. Be Nice and Drama-Free. Everybody says they hate the games people play when dating. Thus, by letting him know you are available, you are also revealing how uncool you really are. “When am I free? ALWAYS.” Although nerds can be sexy, being a normal person with a flexible schedule is the easiest way for him to not want to see you.

4. Post Hook Up Validation. Sometimes the previous examples don’t work, and you still manage to actually find yourself in bed with someone. You fool around enough where both parties are satisfied (read: you blow him), and you spend the night cuddling. When it’s time for you to leave the next morning, you let him know you had a great time and would LIKE TO SEE HIM AGAIN. And there’s the ticket! Now even though you made him cum all over himself/yourself and/or the hostages in the room, he will never want to do it again. Because the best way to get a guy to not call you is to let him know that you like him.

So, dear friends, follow through with these four steps to successfully diminish your sex life and make sure that you are left alone by the male population. Keep at it, and become a pro like me, so that you only (accidentally) hook up with one person a year. Because the key to happiness is abstinence and solitude.

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