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A Gay Man’s Perspective: Things I Have Learned From Barbie

April 24, 2012

People always give Barbie a bad rap because they say she creates unrealistic expectations for little girls. To the people who criticize her, I say: Why don’t you have more faith in your little girls. Its true, Barbie is skinny and beautiful with poreless skin (literally) and breasts that look like the Torpedos on a battle ship, but none of that is her fault. If your daughter wants to grow up to be thin and beautiful from a young age, you should let her. It will probably save you mounds of money in hospital bills to fix her Allegra Beck-sized eating disorder when her college boyfriend dumps her for someone whose hip bones haven’t caused his appendix to rupture.

Here are some important things that I learned from Barbie:

I can be anything I want when I grow up. I can even be multiple things in the same day just by changing my outfit. This lead me to become a pathological liar.

The perfect guy has flawless hair, a sculpted six pack, and skin-tight briefs. (I.E. the perfect man is gay). Thank you Barbie, from all the cocks I have ever sucked.

It takes all kinds of races to make up this world, but inside we are all the same. You can tell because the same Barbie is available in a variety of different colors and races.

Shoes are just like sex partners. You can never have too many. (I wish I had known that she didn’t have to worry about pregnancy since she has no fricken vagina. I’ve had more children pulled out of me than a burning orphanage).

So, long story short there are some valuable lessons to be learned from Barbie. After all, its not her fault that she’s popular.



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