A Breakdown Of The Kinsey Scale Of Heterosexuality-Homosexuality

There was probably a time in my life when I knew what in the Hell a Kinsey Scale is, but there have been a lot of drinks between that time and today. At this point in my life, I don’t even care enough to Google. Here is a Gloganvlog breakdown of what this scale means to me:

0: Exclusively heterosexual, with no homosexual- This guy is wearing last seasons Diesel jacket with cuffed Jessica Simpson jeans. He is basically a male version of Victoria Beckham, if she were poor and able to lift either of her eyebrows. In the real world, the only guys that fit into this category wear flannel, have cat-fish skinnin knives hanging from their belts (with a beer-opener belt buckle) and don’t even have enough teeth to pose for a Match.com profile photo. Everyone else is a six pack away from Essing Dees in the bathroom stall of Best Buy.

1: Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual- That bitch please face this guy is serving me tells me that even he doesn’t believe this shit. This category is reserved for all the “straight” Fire Island bartenders and Florida strippers that have girlfriends, but regularly accept handies from older gentlemen with fat wallets.

2. Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual- Miss Lady’s panties got lost somewhere between The Rambles and The Meat Rack, and that finger has been in so many holes the CDC should quarantine it. This category is reserved for the Zac Efrons and Taylor Lautners of the world. They can’t be openly gay, but they will sure as fuck throw their back out doing some nasty him-nastics in the back of a limo. This category of guys single-handedly keeps the Weho booty-boy industry alive and running.

3. Equally heterosexual and homosexual- This guy will just stick his dick in anything. I respect that. No snarky comments forthcoming.

4. Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual- These guys are the ones that can’t accept that they are gay. Do you see how this kid’s arms are spread open? That is because he isn’t actually looking for sex, (or it would be his legs that are open) he is looking for acceptance. This may be from his parents, his colleagues, or himself, but either way this guy just can’t accept the fact that he is gay. Which really sucks for him, because being gay is fucking awesome. We look better longer, have more active social lives, get sex whenever we want it, and aren’t expected to get married or reproduce. We are free agents. This guy isn’t, but he is the only one holding himself back. (Sorry if I got a little preachy, this one hit a little close to homo)

5. Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual- Have you ever seen those photos of stupid straight female co-eds sucking face at a bar just for funsies? This guy loves it in the ass, but once in a while gets drunk enough to confuse his straight girlfriends for man-holes. This is especially confusing since all his straight girlfriends are pudgy, but to each his own. Without this category, fag-hags everywhere would crumble into a paste of desperation, confusion, and Twinkies, then build themselves back up and realize that falling in love with a gay guy is like going to an audition if you are Lindsay Lohan: fucking pointless and ultimately un-fulfilling. Did you notice how many times I said confusion in this paragraph? That wasn’t an accident.

5. Exclusively homosexual, with no heterosexual- Completely enlightened. Boom.

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