5 Reasons I Am Glad I Wasn’t An Adult In the 70′s or 80′s

1. Mustaches. I don’t understand what, if anything has ever been attractive about a mustache. The only two times I have been attracted to a guy with a mustache was when it was an ironic pornstache grown as a tribute to famous 70′s pornstaches everywhere (seen on a genuine Williamsburg Hipster) , and when it was on a bulldyke who wanted to seduce me just to prove that she could. (and she did)

2. Sharon Stone. Because growing up in a time when the standard for hot is a coked up skeletal man-eater with teeth in her vagina is the stuff of nightmares.

3. AIDS. Because having everyone die mysteriously of a disease that nobody yet understands or knows how to treat is a little like a zombie plague. And zombies make me very uncomfortable.

4.Smoking. It is bad enough walking through the streets of New York behind people chainsmoking while walking 56 mph, while teleconferencing on their blackberries, while drinking a starbucks. In the 70′s and 80′s you could smoke inside buildings. Their lungs must have been blacker than the bottoms of Britney Spear’s feet.

5. Hairy Assholes. Manscaping was not yet a thing. Brazilian Waxing had not yet been invented. All I am saying is that the dingleberry situation must have been quite precarious.

Quite precarious indeed.

I am pretty sure that no matter what decade you grew up in, you think it is the best. I imagine this is because with societal advancement moving in only one direction–barring cataclysmic events like the holocaust, the world wars, and Taylor Momsen’s extensions every new generation seems to get better and better. The truth is that we are nostalgic for the decade that we grew up in. We will find reasons why it was the best: It was a simpler time, Children actually played outdoors, He-man was gay, etc..

The awesome part about it is that the memories of growing up can never be changed or taken away. Unlike the future,the past is written into our memories like the lyrics to a Katy Perry song, and will be until the day we die or get fat.